Bleah

I’m not doing so well this week. I’m having more pain than I’ve had since the week of my shoulder operation. I’m hitting the pain pills, and the cryo-packs are on my shoulder about 50% of my waking hours. And now, since God is a man, I have cramps and moodiness, too. In fact, I’ve got this big, deep, hot core of anger, and I walk around feeling like a volcano that is just waiting for the slightest trigger to erupt.

I have a to-do list a mile long and growing, and I just don’t feel physically able to get a lot of the stuff done right now. I’m somewhat afraid to ask for help, though, because everything’s been going so well, and I don’t want to get lectures about overdoing things, when I really don’t think I have. But it seems like a bajillion niggling little annoyances have been coming up lately, and they just don’t end.

There are some things that make me happy. I’ve put pretty houseplants throughout my apartment, and they cheer me. On my patio, I keep a corncob and a little dish of peanuts for the squirrel who lives in the tree outside my door. I love to watch him come over for treats. He will eat one peanut, then take the next to his nest, then eat one, and then take the next to his nest. And every so often, he buries one in my patio plants. It’s also fun to watch him with the corncobs. He picks off the kernels and just eats the little germ at the bottom of each, leaving most of each kernel behind. The next morning, a flock of ducks will sweep across my patio, cleaning up all of those corn kernels. Then, because they haven’t eaten their fill just yet, the young ones spend about ten minutes pecking at the round corncob, trying to get the kernels off of it, and of course, failing dismally. I know I shouldn’t laugh, but it’s hilarious. I have a new birdfeeder hanging over my patio, with a big middle section for seed (hulless, so I don’t have a mess to clean up), a side section for suet cakes, and another side section for suet or peanut nuggets. I haven’t seen any customers yet, but I’m watching.

A few months ago, I found a cassette tape drive for the computer. It lets you play your old cassettes through your computer’s sound system, and also lets you “rip” your old tapes to digital files (MP3s). I’m so excited about this, because some of my old tapes are not available in a digital format any more. And others are recordings of performances I was in, so I’ll be able to listen to those again. I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been since I’ve had anything that plays cassette tapes! So anyway, I got it all plugged in and set up last night, and tested it briefly. That tape sounded good. I was so pleased. I can’t wait to play with it some more.

It looks like my separation agreement is almost finalized. This is very good, but I expect it to be very hard when we come together to sign it.

At today’s program management review, my boss is going to announce a reorganization – oops, I mean – realignment. Some people will lose their jobs. I will be reporting to a different manager. Thankfully this is someone I’ve known and worked very well with for years, but the change does bring some uncertainty and anxiety for me. It looks like I’ll be able to streamline what I do and to spend more time on the things I love. So we’ll see how that goes.

It looks like I’m the newest member of the Department of Communications of our diocese, which desperately needs help in the communications area.

And on the ministry schedule that will come out later this week, I’m going to be scheduled in four different ministries – reading the lessons, leading the prayers of the people, offering laying on of hands for healing during eucharist, and taking communion to parishioners who can’t come to the church on Sunday. I’m starting voice lessons in just over a week, with the same instructor who is teaching the munchkins’ piano lessons, and really loving participating in the choir. And I have another big project at the church that I’m working on right now, but I’m keeping it quiet for the time being. So there is much at play in my life.

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6 thoughts on “Bleah

  1. {{{{{{{{ hedwyg }}}}}}}}

    A lot on your plate, there! Hope things start looking up soon! And in the meantime, that you’re able to look for and find sources of happiness is a very good thing.

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  2. 😀 Thank you, both!

    I am very lucky for all the the ministries of my church, as well! And Elizabeth, I appreciate the offer of a listening ear. Right now, the anger thing is rather strange. I’m not entirely sure what the source of it is, but it is hair-triggered, and the most trivial little thing can turn a smoldering ember into a raging conflagration. Thankfully, I’m self-aware enough to know when this is happening, and to try not to take it out on others. Of course, I also have enough of a depressive tendency to turn that rage inward on myself, and that’s not good, either. So… it’s a struggle, but it’s lifelong work, and I know this. Some days, though, I’m with Anne Lamott on wishing God would just take out his magic wand and make everything better, like Glinda the Good. Like it would be so much skin off God’s nose! 🙂

    I got back in touch with my spiritual director this week, and I have a session scheduled with her two weeks hence. This is very VERY good. We’ve both missed working with each other. And I’ve got enough inner work on my plate right now that I could use some external perspective.

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  3. Some of the emotion you are feeling may actually be residual discharge from the surgery and anesthesia. It’s weird but everyone I know goes through this major funk about 6 weeks post surgery. I think it must have something to do with the way our bodies metabolize and get rid of the toxins…I had it big time.

    So, yes, do that inner work. But also realize that some aspect of this is discharge from the trauma of surgery (your body knows it hurt even if you didn’t “feel it”…). So. It will pass as your body is able to metabolize it and rid it from your system. Do you like massages? If so, can you get one soon? That may help…

    Blessings on the days ahead and the stress of job, etc. and the good stress of fun projects!

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  4. Keep on trucking, Mama, just truck those blues away. And, remember how to say “No” while you’re at it. Sounds like you’re doing great in spite of the anger. You’re on the right track. Sending love, hugs, and prayers

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