Feeling sorry for myself

Fair warning – this post is all about whining, moping, and self-pity, and I’m not even going to bother with the niceties of parallel construction.  So if you’re looking for insight or even for halfway decent grammar, you’ll need to look elsewhere tonight.

I emailed the ex yesterday, to set up our weekend and holiday schedule through the end of the year.  Our agreement says that we each have two weekends a month with the kids, and that we alternate major holidays so that they are shared equitably and reasonably.  Last year, my daughter and I had planned a trip over Thanksgiving, but we were both sick and ended up staying home, so she was with me and her brother was with her dad for Thanksgiving.  In December, they both were with their dad all day Christmas Eve and all but three hours on Christmas Day.

My suggestion was that they both be with him for the entire week of Thanksgiving, and be with me the week of Christmas (but to have a few hours with him Christmas Day, like last year with me).  He responded with, “I told the kids it’s up to them.”  That’s nice and all, but they’re thirteen and fourteen.  It’s not up to them, and even though they really like to hear that, it’s not true.  Once again, he’s abdicating his responsibility to be the adult and the parent, so that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy.  I am trying to hold firm to the idea that they must be with me all day Christmas Eve, but he doesn’t want to give in.  He also copied the kids when he replied to my email to him, so he got them all spun up about it, too.  Now our daughter isn’t speaking to me, over her father’s immaturity, and it’s all a big mess.  Meanwhile, I’d really like to see his picture in the dictionary next to this term.  But in his reality, everyone else is sick, everyone else is lying, everyone else is distorting the truth, everyone else is out to get him.  God, but I’m glad I don’t have to live with him any more!

I’m scared about Friday’s brain MRI.  You’d think with three under my belt, I’d be a pro by now, but I’m not.  Each one makes me more frightened, more uneasy.  This one will be both without contrast and with, and I don’t know how they do that.  I’m hoping it’s by IV, so that if I start to get wiggy, they can add some happy juice to the solution.  I’m guessing it will take about two hours, but I really don’t know.  And then comes the long work of waiting – three more weeks!  I hate waiting!  If the results come back normal, it means I have to have a lumbar puncture, but if they’re abnormal, then I’m probably having brain surgery.  I have to wonder whether the doctor will want me to postpone the breast reduction if there is an abnormality.

This morning, I got my whole house straightened and vacuumed, and got three loads of laundry washed.  After all that, I was tired and sore!  My daughter requested lunch at Taco Bell and a trip to the bookstore to pick up a book she really wanted.  When we got to the store and found the book, she decided that no, she’d just borrow her friend’s copy.  Sigh.  So we came back, I watched some Firefly, and generally puttered around.  I wanted to do so much more, but was too tired and achy.

I usually love Halloween – decorating, buying candy, putting together a costume to wear during trick-or-treating time… but this year, I just can’t get into it.  I need to before Friday, I guess.  Last year, Halloween was a miserable day for me.  I had physical therapy in the morning, then work.  I gave out goodie bags both places.  Then I had a meeting of the communications committee for the diocese, then a voice lesson.  I left home at 7:00 in the morning, and got home after 8pm.  That was the day that my pain went completely to hell.  Rather than being mostly in my right shoulder, it was both shoulders, neck, upper back, knees, and hips, and it hasn’t stopped since.

So now… both children are in their bedrooms.  My daughter has asked me not to speak to her again tonight.  My phone is still in between-carrier limbo (verizon was supposed to fix the cable to the house today, but for the fifth time decided not to show), so all I have is my cell phone.  I’m torn between crying, screaming, kicking, punching, sleeping, eating, reading, watching tv, and doing sudoku.  I’ll probably end up staring into space blankly and numbly until I can’t stay awake any longer.  And poor maplestar wishes he could be here to comfort me more immediately.  Of course, I’m so messed up today that I’d probably push him away.  His gentleness and love would probably push me over the edge… but then, maybe that’s what I need – more edginess and less numbness and safety.  God knows I get tired of walking on those edges, though.

Sigh.

Have a blessed night, my friends.  And if you have a moment to spare, could you hold me in your prayers?  And especially my daughter and my son and their dad.  They really need to know that they are loved and treasured.  Thank you.

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2 thoughts on “Feeling sorry for myself

  1. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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